Tuesday, August 16, 2011

a review of newly-banned cards in modern (by garruk wildspeaker)

Alright so y’all punks’ve been talking about this “Modern” format when first of all, let’s get this out of the way, Garruk Wildspeaker AKA Garruk, Primal Hunter doesn’t do this “Modern” shit. Garruk is old school. “Ooh Garruk you absolutely must experience the exquisiteness of this piece of furniture of the utmost modernity that I’ve concocted from the newest metallic alloys” shut the hell up Tezzeret, your arm’s a chicken wing. Garruk wants a format called “back in the day.” In that format, y’all do some silly shit and Garruk clocks you over the head for looking at Garruk funny. Cut that shit out. But people keep asking Garruk about oh, what does Garruk think of the Modern banned list, well let’s take a look. This isn’t planned. Garruk just does. Gets shit done in a hurry.


This shit right here is the reason Garruk became a planeswalker in the first place. Oh what’s that, you want to talk some shit to Garruk BOOM portal to the plane of Wurms that gobble your sorry ass before they’re even out of the portal. Oh what’s that you have an axe BOOM Garruk checks in with the plane of bigger fucking axes and now what’s up. Ooh but Garruk if there’s Hypergenesis then I won’t be able to sit around thumbing my ass with a scrollbook, well no shit that’s kind of the way the world is numbskull, you sit around not doing shit you become horse devour. For y’all uncultured fools that don’t know from that, it means an appetizer where the main course is a horse, of course. Y’all didn’t think Garruk could be cultured, Garruk couldn’t make the wordplay, but Garruk gets around, Garruk goes here and there. Yeah, you know, from time to time. Garruk does it all. Anyway Hypergenesis is great and y’all just pussies.

Glimpse of Nature

Oh come on you assholes. What’re y’all scared of? Elves? ELVES? You’re full of shit. Oh no, there are thirty elves hanging around. They’re so scary. They might menace me with a lute during their picnic. They might accidentally use a bow to fire an arrow instead of its usual purpose of sticking it up their own self-righteous assholes. Garruk’s just playing. Garruk loves lady elves. Often. Because the guys sure ain’t putting up much competition when Garruk’s around. Anyway, what does Glimpse of Nature do again? Brings more elves around, eventually, when they feel like it maybe, after there are already a bunch? Right. Sounds daaangerous, ooh look at me quivering in my wurmhides over here. For those of y’all not paying attention, those are made of WURMS. That I KILLED. Hey, you know all those elves that kill wurms just for kicks? Right, you don’t, thought so.

Dread Return

Okay, now we get to some bullshit. Garruk just want to point out, if you’re raising the dead, like, that’s creepy as shit to Garruk, but normally you know those necromancers they’re just doing their thing, doing them, bringing back girlfriends and having sex with them, the usual. But this is Dread RETURN. Key word to Garruk: RETURN. Some ‘walkers going around using Dread RETURN on some bullshit creatures wasn’t even alive in the first place. That’s Dread TURN. Garruk just sayin’. So yeah ban that bullshit.

Stoneforge Mystic

Okay. So Garruk was like minding his own business, just you know sayin’ hey to this lady and she’s all “ooh Garruk, your hunting is so primal, let me go freshen up I’ll be right with you baby” and Garruk should have known something was up because no white-aligned bitch gonna just “go freshen up” without like a pre-authorized letter of intent in triplicate from her clan with explicit instructions on how to prepare their asses for Garruk. And the girl leaves there this kinda badass spikey-looking thing there, thing’s huge as shit and Garruk thinks “damn what’s this lady doing with some heavy ordinance over here, shit look like a metal pufferfish with handles” until Garruk remembers how this mystic, she doesn’t really touch equipment they just kinda float around because she doesn’t have the fitness regimen Garruk does. Anyway Garruk is thinking that he could put the shit to good use so Garruk’s about to lift it up to take a look when THE THING FUCKING MOVES. THE SHIT IS ALIVE, SERIOUS. And Garruk wasn’t prepared for that so reaching for the big-ass Axe of Axes and shit but THE FUCKING THING HAD ALREADY STARTED MOVING FUCK IT’S ALL NEEDLY AND SHIT and the lady comes back like “baby what’re you doing is everything alright over there” DOES IT LOOK LIKE EVERYTHING’S ALRIGHT YOU LEFT ME OVER HERE WITH A GODDAMN INFECTED PIECE OF SHIT FUCKING MOVING SPIKE FUCK THING SHIT SHIT and she’s over there giggling her little ass off all “aww you met Skullywullington.” Anyway Garruk found a way, that’s just what Garruk does. Bitch is crazy, though, that’s what Garruk’s getting around to here. Stay. The fuck. Away.

Valakut, the Molten Pinnacle

When Chandra tells you she has a “super hot place” for y’all to go, just don’t. All I’m gonna say. She’s not talking in metaphors like Jace or some shit ‘cause she thinks a metaphor is for killing fools before they have time to finish saying “metal.” When she says the sex is gonna be explosive just don’t. Even. All I’m gonna say.


Now the first thing you’ve gotta understand about these here Faeries is that these are the smuggest little flying things y’all can imagine. Like yeah you might get pissed off when you show up to a party minding y’all’s own and some elves come up like “ooohhhhh you’re wearing thaaaaat to a sooocial event, rrreaaaallly” but at least then Garruk can just go “yeah it’s what I woke up wearing next to your hundred-year-old daughter.” But Faeries, you smack one of them down in the middle of some stupid “shame about your entire family being murdered by a sheriff” then another comes along to finish the fucking sentence. And if you have the nerve to actually like wanna beat some shit up as is your natural right as a being on this plane then nope they’ll just doopy doooooooo buzz in front and nope you didn’t kill that planeswalker you’ve been hunting for millenia to find, you killed a fucking Faerie. Again. And the giggling, the fucking giggling.

Jace, the Mind Sculptor
Jace is [far superior to Garruk in any fathomable and/or conceptual way (with “fathomable” not meaning, in this context, the ability for a being as simplistic and dull as Garruk to understand; rather, what those of higher intellect are capable of grasping), and special emphasis should be placed on the myriad number of ways that Jace far exceeds Garruk’s sexual abilities, despite his unrelenting false claims that contradict all available evidence, both anecdotal and statistically-verified (see subnote 41)].

Mental Misstep on every other plane he still gets called Lace Felt-urine. Anyway, what’s this thing? I think it, like, confuses a Goblin or something because that’s so incredibly difficult and definitely could not be done by a word longer than “rock,” whatever, moving on.

Ancestral Vision

Brief comparison here, let’s have like a show of hands from y’all. Would you rather, like, option one over here, wait around for somewhere around “until the end of time” and then know what’s up, that’s the Vision option, OR, like, option two, you’re hanging out with some huge-ass wurm or dragon whatever at your command and you give a holler to ol’ Garruk and Garruk gives you something better than the result you would’ve waited for AND that wurm or dragon gets to eat the guy that picked option one, fuck you Jace. I guess what I’m saying is that Blue can suck it forever.

Anyway there's some Elvish party over in Yavimaya and let's just say that Rofellos doesn't fuck around with his parties and doesn't get in the way of Garruk when it comes to the pointy-eared girls, know what I mean, he's not Ro-FELLOWS for nothing.

Y'all's truly,
Garruk W


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