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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

a response to "dating and magic," by garruk wildspeaker


Now, apparently some dude tried to school y'all in "Dating and Magic." Garruk basically thought the guy's head in a place it shouldn't be, basically inside his butt.

Garruk met this guy one time. True facts. Dude was wearing some weird shiny black shirt and some like rainbow-colored armband. Looked like he was going to a funeral in unicorn land.

He made a list and Garruk will basically go down the same thing, talk about what y'all should actually know from it. Should help.


Be excellent. Now the first and most good way to be excellent is to be Garruk, but let’s get this clear, Garruk has that one on lock. Y’all ain’t gonna be excellent by being Garruk. Only Garruk can pull this off. So just step away from those bootleg “Garruk Hats” because first, Garruk’s the only one that has the real one because Garruk fuckin killed the thing that had it as part of its skeleton; and last but still first, your head’ll be spillin over the sides and look like upside-down meatloaf.

So y’all should find another way to be excellent. Now Garruk isn’t sayin y’all can’t at least get some inspiration from Garruk’s excellence, specificity the huge fuckin arms I’ve cultivated over the years. Those you can get. Just go out and, you know, swing some wurms round y’alls heads till the girls take notice. Then you’ll get laid AND have arms look like a dozen goblin heads. Kill two birds with one big fuckin arm.

You there. You want some help with this?

Yeah, I know you do.

You wanna be excellent, right?


Yeah.

So your plan to be excellent should... you’re going to what?

Are you serious?

Well, if you’re going to play Garruk in that game then I could understand if-

What? No, no, Garruk will pretend he didn’t hear that part. Okay so let Garruk understand this. You’re going to sit there. In a fuckin room. With some fuckin cards. And the part where you fuck until your cock planeswalks her into fuckin Ulgrotha comes into this how? Garruk obviously missing something here.

Let’s take a step back, hope that pile of shit doesn’t stick to our feet too much. Okay. When Garruk say somethin like BE EXCELLENT then Garruk mean BE EXCELLENT at somethin that’s cool as fuck. I’m sure some boring-ass old blue mage is excellent at like, like, intercollabinating the hyperfloosher wiggleflop or whateverthefuck but you know what that dude name is?

That’s right. You don’t. Neither do Garruk. Neither do all the women not currently bangin that loser. Which is all of them.

God damn. You don’t have a fuckin clue.

Present yourself well. Basically what this means is like, don’t look like you. So let’s go over this a second. What are those? Those things. Hanging off your legs.

Cargo? The fuck kind of cargo you carrying around here? Do you keep your sadness as cargo? The fuck you want with cargo SHORTS when if you actually had CARGO you’d want something that wasn’t SHORT to carry them the fuck around in.

No, no, no. Get rid of that shit right now, it’s emba- NOT HERE IN FRONT OF... you have to be the dumbest little Saproling Garruk’s ever seen. Taking everything all lateral. Point is, when you see someone, make sure you’re not wearing those. Look like two skirts stitched together.

Flirt. Okay there’s some things Garruk can’t tell you. Some things you just gotta do for yourself. Okay so there’s some women over there. Technically I guess. Now pick one and-

Oh. You picked one, well at least you got that impulsiveness that-

Which?

Oh. Serious? I mean, yeah, we all gotta start somewhere, but she look like her toughness is a lot higher than her power. You know what I mean. Garruk heard enough cracks about “Garruk’s Companion” and that has to be like a cousin or some shit.

What?

You want me to tell you what to say to her?
Now under normal circumstances Garruk would take this opportunity to demonstrative the technique on the woman in question... but yeah this one’s all you, son, Garruk gonna stay at a safe distance away from anythin poisonous might shoot out of her. Don’t know WHAT she could be hiding under them folds.

Anyway. Yeah. Say whatever the hell you want. I mean her, like, not sure it matters even what fuckin language you start speaking she’ll be grateful. I’d start with “hi.” “Hi” usually works.

Be different. Well, let me give credit to you here on this one, you’ve basically got “different” down pretty good. You different from anyone I ever seen that’s been laid, that’s for sure.

Have A Plan. The fuck is this list? A plan? Garruk wishing he looked over this before starting this bullshit. Y’all already know Garruk’s plan. Come on now. It involves being Garruk, and gettin some.

For you? Oh. Well, your plan. I’d stay step one is stop standing over here near Garruk like you’re declaring yourself a blocker and get over there and talk to miss Angel of Despair you had your eye on.

Know your competition. This means, like, know how big their head is, so you know how much space to clear off your mantle. Garruk just kidding. That don’t apply to you. For you it basically means, like, if you see anyone swingin a dick within like ten wurms of her, choose someone else. Just bein real.

Know her. “Know” is like real obscure word for “fuck.” So yeah Garruk can do this part.

You’re back. Didn’t see that you left. You’re a pretty easy one to miss, like, seems like no one would notice whether you’re around or not.

So. What’d you do with her?

You what?

Garruk sorry. Garruk must have misheard you. Sounded like something about “nice” and “friends.”

No.

No it wasn’t “successful.” Successful is when you, yes you right there, are having sex. With someone. Now Garruk stood by you when you chose that over there, but Garruk can’t just let you off for speaking two words and saying that’s good.

You know what a success is? Fucking. Let me ask you. Are you, at this moment, having sex with that woman, standing over there? Garruk going to guess no. Garruk going to guess you don’t have an invisible thirty-foot cock reaching over to fuck her as we’re standing here.

Get the fuck out of here.

These dudes are the worst.

2 comments:

Tigt said...

I would like to say these Garruk posts are absolutely wonderful. They're some of the funniest writing I've ever read, both on and off the Internet.

ben sibley said...

Comedic Gold, plain and simple.

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