we want women to play our game, or whatever

Hello, ladies. We sure would love if you’d put down your nail polish and try our card game. It’s, like, totally spectacular! There are SO MANY women who are already playing this game. As an example, here’s a mid-level employee at our company that plays Magic! All her superiors are male. She’s dating one of them.

We’ve tried literally everything imaginable to get women to play our game. There’s a woman who writes 200-word pieces for our site a couple times a week. This one time, we even had a woman design some cards for us. She’s a programmer now.

There are women in our card art. Please feast your eyes on some Steve Argyle-illustrated women, Identify with them, and maybe dress up? Y’all like dressing up, and stuff. So do that.

Did you see that one Elspeth? She’s super pretty. She plays Magic, I think.

Hey! You like vampires? We have vampires. I mean, do you actually like vampires? We did a market research poll from people that currently play our game and heard that vampires are fine. We think they’re a Women Thing? I don’t really get it, myself, but whatever. It’s for the ladies! I’m all for anything you girls are into.

Look, let’s cut to the chase. We measure our game’s popularity by how many people show up on a Friday night to organized competitive tournaments populated mostly by people who’ve played the game for five years, and all you women are really letting us down. You act like there’s something stopping you from going to these!

Is it the card backs? We can change those. Did you know we almost made them pink for Arabian Nights? We didn’t. But we could.

Do you not even know how to play? God, you women are so needy. Just walk up to any group of guys you don’t know and ask them to teach you. Boom! Done! Next. Problem.

It’s not like we haven’t thought about this before. We’ve had meetings. We have all our best guys on the subject. We even followed their recommendation and made the foils shinier. They’re SO shiny now, you have no idea.

Have you heard of Felicia Day? She’s this SMOKIN’ hot babe (all of us are totally into her) and she plays Magic. She’s also a woman.

I know! Okay. I’ve got it. You girls are going to LOVE this. You know those game designers you love, like the Penny Arcade guys? We’re gonna get them to design cards for us! Oh my god this is such a great idea. We’ll get like, fifteen different guys to design cards for us and even put their names on the cards. You girls are sure to be a fan of at least one of those men, and then you’ll play our game. I’m getting a promotion for this.

I’m on a roll here. I can feel it. Okay. You know all those girlfriends you have, and you like talk about whatever it is, and you’re like “omahgawwwd there are like no single guys” well check THIS out: Single guys! Magic tournaments! Tons of them! They’ll practically be lining up to talk to you! They will probably even literally line up to talk to you. That will be the best thing. Come on, you’ll love it.

Let us know what you think, ladies.

-Wizards of the Coast Division of Female Outreach